Man, does today feel different than last Wednesday, when I wrote my last post.
The past week, has been the hardest weeks I have had in a long time. Thank God, I have friends and family there to support me. Even you readers; the comments on A Time for Grieving absolutely overwhelmed me. They gave me a sense of comfort, knowing how much you guys care about me. Thank you for thinking of me.
This past week truly has been a time for grieving. But even through the grieving, I’ve done what I can to get me through, one day at a time.
On Wednesday, I went hiking with my cousin Megan. We talked, walked, and shared many things with each other.
This past Friday, I drove out to LA, and stayed the night with my brother and his wife. We got Greek Food, had strawberry shortcake for dessert, and spend a ton of time in conversation. They made me a cozy bed, set the Coffee for early Saturday morning, and totally encouraged me – I felt so loved. I woke up early Saturday morning, grabbed my coffee, and headed to the 101. I drove home, threw some things together, and went to work. I had two jobs, with a short break in between. I was working 8am-11pm. In between, I got lunch with my Mom, and that was good.
Yesterday morning, Church was rough.
I don’t know about you guys, but for me, when someone asks how I’m doing, and I know that they know what I’m going through, I get very emotional. I really believe that this is because the people I have in my life are extremely genuine, and I know how much they care about me. They show it all of the time. I know that when I’m having a hard time, they feel for me. That’s so heavy. Every time someone asked how I was doing I broke down. It’s emotional.
That’s what this week has been. Full of emotions.
One thing I have learned, is that sadness is different from depression. My counselor told me this. On Tuesday of last week, he asked me what I was going to do. I gave him a list of everything that was going to keep me busy. His response was “and?” I didn’t know what to say. I thought again of everything I was planning to do, to keep my mind off the situation. I drew a blank. The next words out of his mouth were “what were you just doing in the waiting room, before you came into my office?” I said “crying?” And he said “yes! You will be crying this week. And that’s okay. Make time for it.” He really encouraged me with that. He helped me to expect it. And when it came, which it always did at the most random times, I was okay, because I knew it was just apart of what was going on. Crying wasn’t going to ruin me, it was going to help me get through. And it has.
Sadness, is a natural feeling that follows hard times in your life.
When you’re sad, there is a time for grieving, and a time to carry on and go about your life. These past five days, I’ve worked, ran, spent time with family, and have had many tears. I’ve felt alive to myself. I’ve gotten to know myself much better.
I wish I could tell you all what’s going on, but I feel it’s just too early to share with the world.
After Church yesterday, I Health Coached, and went to the mall with my Mom. She bought me a new shirt, and she bought me tea. We spent time talking, and she cheered me up.
Yesterday was the lightest day yet. Yes, Church was hard, but the day got easier. I knew I was going to be having a good time with my family, and that made me happy.
We went to Garman’s Irish Pub, and that was good. Really good.
Today, it’s Monday, and I am back at work, and I’m doing okay. Tonight, I’m getting tea with a girl from my Church, who has been through what I’m going through. I found her number, reached out to her, and she’s been a blessing. I cannot wait to meet with her tonight.
Tomorrow, it’s Tuesday, and I’m seeing my counselor in between work, and that will be good.
This weekend, I’ve planned to go see my best friend, and assist my sister-in-law in a photo shoot down in LA. That will be good.
So, as you can see, I’m doing things that are uplifting. I’m surrounding myself with encouragement. I am allowing myself time to grieve. Usually, this is when I’m alone, when someone asks how I’m doing, or when I’m working, and the house is quiet (clearly, after the kids are asleep).
I can understand how not knowing what’s happening in my life would be confusing to all of you. I will write about it in the future, but right now, I am not sure when an appropriate time would be.
Just know that I really am going to be okay. I had readers write me over this past week, saying that they were thinking of me throughout their days. Do you guys know how comforting that is to me? Knowing that people are praying for me, knowing that I have support. I cannot tell you how much those words mean to me. I don’t feel alone. And for that, I am so grateful.
I think today is going to be okay. I am feeling encouraged.
The ride I’m on is an emotional rollercoaster. Don’t be surprised if I write back tomorrow, and the world feels like it’s falling apart again. I am crossing my fingers that doesn’t happen. But I’m taking this journey moment by moment, day by day, and accepting, and caring for all my feelings.
I hope you’re all blessed today. Thank you for thinking of me. I am holding on to this hope:
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11