I was in 9th grade, sitting in English class. I was talking with two of my extremely funny, open, and outgoing friends. They had no filter, and I loved that about them, because I was totally filtered. I’ve always been careful with what I say to others. That day in class, we were talking about everything other than English: how one of my friends was super fit from track, and worked hard to stay in shape, and how the other was just naturally thin, and ate whatever she wanted — literally, I couldn’t believe it. I turned to my naturally thin friend, knowing that she would tell me the truth, and said “just tell me the truth.. I know if someone tells me I’m chubby, I’ll finally find a way to care! Am I chubby?” She grabbed my belly with her tiny little hands, pinched my stomach, and said “yeah, you’re a little chubby!” It was at this point that I went from honestly wondering if I was chubby, to feeling 100% confirmed that I was indeed, a chubby girl. The next day, I stayed home from school, calculated everything I could about my caloric needs, and began my obsession with losing weight and calorie counting. For the next 6 years, Identified myself by my weight every single day. I let my identity come from the scale, and being as thin as my body would allow. (Please note, I don’t hold anything against this friend. I asked her to tell me what she thought, and if it weren’t for my story, and that day when it started, I wouldn’t be where I am today).
I wish someone would have told me at the time, that I didn’t have to do that.
I wish someone would have told me, I was perfect the way I was.
I wish someone would have told me, that being young is about having fun.
I wish someone would have told me, that I could be healthy, and happy at the same time.
I wish someone would have told me, that there was another way to feel good.
I have to be totally honest though, even if someone did tell me those things, I probably would have ignored them. I was so deep into weight loss that I couldn’t see a way out. I was so deep into it, that I would even get offended if someone said I “looked healthy.” To me, that meant I wasn’t skinny, and I was getting “fat.” The only way to compliment me was to tell me I was too thin. I know to some of you this might seem like a shock, but to others of you, I know you can relate to these feelings.
Well, I am here to tell you, having been where you are now, there is a way out. There is a way to be happy and healthy. There is a way to love having a healthy body. You don’t have to live like this. You are highly valuable, and this, as much as you may feel like it does, doesn’t define who you are at all. People do not love you because you’re thin, and they do not accept you because of your body. You are loved and accepted fully.
These days, I’ve learned to listen to my body, and I am an entirely different person. I am so happy, fully of joy, and full of life. I’m so freakin’ freeeee from needing to be underweight. I’m happy at my natural weight, and it’s something thats effortless to maintain.
When I listen to my body…
I need less food that I than I thought I would. I used to think I would eat everything in sight if I allowed myself to “listen to my body.” That’s just not true.
I love exercise.
I deal with the stressors in my life, and don’t turn to food (over eating or under eating).
I can stop when I’m satisfied.
I can be satisfied from just enough, nothing more, nothing less.
Maintaining my weight feels totally natural.
I truly love eating healthy foods.
I have fun with food, cooking, and creating new things.
I get excited to feel hungry, and enjoy a great meal.
I slow down.
I appreciate myself.
I love myself.
I wake up glad to be in my own body. In my own life.
I don’t google super thin females. I’m happy with myself.
I guard my mind from things that used to trigger me.
I love other people.
I’m able to focus MORE on others, and that feels amazing.
I’m truly, deeply, happy.
You can be free. There is a way out. This won’t last forever. You WILL be able to stop. All you have to do is make the choice to let go of this huge, heavy burden..